Today was the hardest day of my life. On Tuesday, my husband, Jeff, and I loaded a U-Haul and shipped everything we own to 450 miles to Cleveland, Ohio. This, wasn't too bad. We got the place in Cleveland all cleaned, set up, and decorated. The problem was today, the day we decided I would return to our original home in Schenectady, New York. Not because of a fight, a separation, or divorce. You see, we are very much in love. Our second wedding anniversary is approaching, and we couldn't be happier with our lives together. Jeff, was offered a job at Case Western Reserve University. He is aspiring to be a college basketball coach, and this is an assistant coaching position. An offer that is too good to pass up. I am a teacher. I have already signed my contract to teach this coming school year and am up for tenure in June 2010. The job in Cleveland came along too late for me to find a teaching job there, and too close to the school year to resign from my position here. So, we find ourselves 450 miles apart, trying to live our lives together.
Last night, I slept surprisingly well. However, when I woke up, it was like I had been punched in the stomach. Our dog, Shea, snuggled up on the bed, as he does nearly every morning, and I thought for a second that this was a routine morning. Then it hit me, today marks the day we start our separate lives together, if that make sense! Fittingly, I thought, it was raining. I like I think of the rain as a symbol of God crying for us. Shedding tears for us having to be apart.
Saying goodbye was difficult. I had envisioned the day and the scene many times in my head, but it played out much differently than I had imagined. I had so much I wanted to say. I wanted Jeff to know that I love him. I am so afraid he thinks I have chosen my job over our love, when in reality, I am finishing out my job for our future, for our love. The money will be a benefit to us, as well as the experience in finding me a new job. I wanted to sob in his arms for hours on end, although I knew he wouldn't allow that. But, when it came down to it, I wasn't able to get much out other than repeating a choked up, "I love you" a number of times. Jeff reminded me to smile and when telling people of our situation, to talk about it in a positive light, as though this is what is best for us. He said the more I say it, the easier it will make things. I just held on tight, nodded, and tried to hold myself together.
Shea is staying with me. I need my big guy to keep me sane. Jeff adores Shea, and I know it was really difficult for him to say goodbye to the big guy as well. I fear that Shea will not know Jeff the next time he sees him. That probably won't be until Christmas. As I pulled out of the driveway, my beloved husband waved goodbye and gave his signature smile. Such a beautiful smile. I did my best to smile back as my eyes welled up. Then, Jeff put his face against the window. Shea was looking out at him from the back. He kissed Shea goodbye and that image has been in my head all day long. It tears me apart.
The first few hours of my drive back were a blur. With the combination of the rain, my tears, and my hazy sense of direction, it seems like an ancient memory now. I just drove. I kept the radio loud and sang along when I could muster out my weakened voice. As soon as I would notice that my voice was strong and clear, my voice would begin to crack with the realization of what lies ahead: ten months away from my husband.
My arrival back home was bitter sweet. The only sweet part, really, was that I was not driving anymore. I came back to our first place together, empty, quiet, and lonely. Nothing here but a mattress and my dressers. I will take them with me wherever it is I end up living for the next ten months. That, I haven't figured out yet, but I am due out in three days. Yes, three days! I guess I need to get a move on it! I have been putting it off in order to make it not seem real.
I hope you will follow me on my journey to make our love work 450 miles away. I know we will do it, that is not the question. We just know it won't be easy. We believe in the long run, our marriage will be stronger and the future of our careers, family, and life together will be better due to this time apart. June 24th is the last day of classes, my last day of teaching my new 5th grade class. June 24th I will become an Ohian. Is that what people who live in Ohio are called? I don't know, but I will take you along my journey. The goal = June 24th!
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