Life

Walking down the hall with a smile on my face, it hit me, I am the happiest person with the most miserable life. Moments ago I was told there was no room in the budget to keep my job next year, my husband lives 450 miles away, it's so cold out my fingers are purple, and I can do nothing but walk down the hallway with a stupid smile on my face saying hello to whoever passes. With news spreading faster than head lice through a kindergarten class, people were hard pressed to believe I was "let go."

When Jeff decided in September that I would go through this year with a positive, can-do attitude, I listened. I listened so much that I have realized my life sucks so much right now, and I still go through each and every day nearly ignoring that fact. The smile and giddiness I portray each day is real, but how on earth can I muster it and actually mean it?

That smile is genuine. I have somehow learned to take bombshells and see positives in them. The people I ran into today were more distraught than I. Don't get me wrong, I would describe myself as devastated. My job is very important to me, I absolutely love it. One of my top four of important things in my life. 1. Jeff 2. Shea 3. Family 4. Job. If you clump Jeff and Shea into the family group, it is number 2! So with significant distance between number 1, and number 2 being terminated come June, I can't figure out what the heck I am smiling over, but it hasn't left my face.

It makes me wonder a little bit if I am going loopy. Am I that good at compartmentalizing? Am I waiting for it all to snowball and explode like a volcano? Or, am I just that cold-hearted that I have lost the ability to shed a tear? I'm not really sure which, if any. But, either way, my life sucks. I'm just glad I don't know it!