Emptiness

The keys are turned in and the apartment  is officially out of our hands. Here is a picture to prove it's emptiness...

Certainly, this place was nothing special, other than the fact that it was ours. In the past  Jeff had had a place that I had stayed at, and vise versa, but never had we had a place that was ours before this beauty! That's what makes it tough. Other than that, it was an old place, not in the best shape, and on an awful street.

I did not sleep much. Uncomfortable bed, Shea getting sick, too much cookie cake, or not having anyone sleeping beside me? Not sure which to blame, or if it was a combination. Either way, the lack of sleep didn't really effect my day.

I did get an interesting phone call this morning from a former high school teacher of mine. Weird, I know! Now a days, she is in charge of a program that all young teachers in New York State need to be a part of. She was unsure who I was because my last has changed, but she had a pretty good idea. We share greetings, and she says, "I have two questions to ask you." She proceeded to ask, "Are you the Alicia who used to come to my house on Halloween and leave messages in shaving cream?" Uh oh, I am that same Alicia. Now give me a second to explain before you decide that I was a delinquent teenager. What you may not guess is that she was one of my favorite teachers!  She used to live in the same neighborhood and on Halloween, my friends and we would go to her house to trick-or-treat, and when she wasn't there, we wanted her to know that we had stopped by to see her. Thus, we left pleasant messages written in shaving cream on the street in front of her house. If she were to tell you she didn't enjoy it, she would be lying! Really, I'm not just saying that! The next day at school, every year, she would hunt me down, come into my classroom, and give me a big bag of candy! She wouldn't have done that if she didn't enjoy it! Anyways, I apologized for my actions years ago and agreed to attend the program tomorrow.

Tonight my brother, Nick, and I played with Shea for a long time. We threw him the ball, we let him swim in my parents' pond, and we hit tennis balls with a baseball bat for Shea to fetch. It was a lot of fun. I felt like I was 10 years old again. I love that feeling, and I probably have it more than the average adult. My job, as a teacher of 10 year olds, allows me to "stay young." Beyond that, playing with Shea, my first pet, brings out all the childhood fun I should have had, if I had been allowed to have a pet. I always brag to people that because of Shea, Jeff and I go on walks, we go play in the fields, and we do a lot of things we wouldn't necessarily do if Shea was not with us. I feel like he has brought us together even more. While I was having fun with Shea and Nick, I had thought about all of the fun times Jeff and I have had playing with Shea. Those simple walks we went on with the dog, the games we played with him, all those things add up to some of my fondest memories of our married life together. I am very grateful to have people who will take time to play with Shea, but I will truly miss the time Jeff and I spent together catering to our Shea's needs.

An Empty Apartment

It is now official, we are completely out of the first place we ever lived together. Both of us. We always knew it was going to happen, and we were pretty sure it was going to happen fairly soon, but we thought we would be moving out of it together! I hate that no matter how you put it, it sounds like we are getting divorced, and that is so far from the truth.

This morning when I woke up, my realization that Jeff wasn't there did not take long. I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness over his absence, before I had even opened my eyes. What a way to start your day! After taking Shea for a run I scrubbed, scrubbed, and scrubbed the entire place until it was spotless. Jeff and I are adamant about leaving the place in much better shape than he got it in, although that was not hard!

Luckily for me, my family lives close by. I am going to stay at my uncle's house this school year. He has a huge house all to himself. It hasn't necessarily been finding a place for me to live that has been the problem, as much as finding a place where Shea would not be too big of a burden. My uncle's house is perfect because he has been dying to get a dog since his Golden Retriever died about eight years ago.  My mother, father, and uncle all came and helped move everything out of the apartment. How sad and empty the place looked after we were finished. All throughout my day, I couldn't help but wish Jeff were there. Not to help us move things, although that would have been nice, but because I hate doing anything that seems the least bit momentous without him. I wish he could be a part of everything even semi-big in my life, as I wish I could be there for all of his special times, no matter how big or small. I predict these feelings will come along quite a bit this year.

On a positive note, my internet is finally working, now that I am in a place that has internet and cable. So, Jeff and I were able to video chat. What a wonderful asset that is! Although I can't be with him everyday, I can see him! It is so much better when we can see each other and talk, rather than having monotonous phone conversations.

Tomorrow I turn in our keys, and finish working on my classroom. School starts next Wednesday, and I have a lot to do in my room. I guess it will be good to stay busy!

Thankful for Music

As I went through my first full day without Jeff, I realize that the reality of this situation has not yet hit me. I have gone several days at a time without seeing my husband due to road trips, recruiting events, and overnight basketball camps. It is all a part of the lifestyle. On top of that, I have to move my things out of this apartment by tomorrow. I have been putting of my whole moving ordeal, because I don't want this whole thing to be real. Needless to say, I had a lot of work (packing and cleaning) to do.

When I got up this morning, I started tackling the whole project. I was bored quickly and felt as though I was missing something. I was distracted by anything and everything. Then I realized, I had no background noise of any sort. We had canceled our cable last night, so the hum of the TV wasn't present. Although I rarely sit down and watch a show, I do like to have the TV on just for to have some noise. With no cable, my solution was to fire up my iTunes and listen to some music while packing and cleaning. 

I've always enjoyed music. I like to sing out loud, although most people don't enjoy listening to me sing out loud. However, I had never understood the obsession and necessity of music. Now, I do! It can really play with your emotions. My eclectic collection of music took me on a roller coaster of emotions as I moved through the apartment. One second I was singing along to Billy Joel's "Uptown Girl" and the next I am crying as I belt out "I Swear" along with All 4 One. Some of the words just hit me in the perfect place, as if they were saying, "Jeff is 450 miles away and you don't get to see him everyday." I figured the slow sappy songs would do that to me. I expect that I may get a little teary eyed when songs like "You'll Always Be My Baby" and "One Sweet Day" come on. I didn't think I would cry when songs like Usher's "My Way" came on. I didn't think a lyric like, "she keeps running back to see me do it  my way," would get my emotions flowing. But to me, I am thinking, I wish I could just run back to him. 

Obviously, my mind is in a different place than when I normally hear that song! 

Other than the emotional roller coaster that was today, I made it through and made lots of progress getting packed and cleaning this place up. Tomorrow I just have to clean the bathroom, always a favorite, and load up my stuff. I will let ya know how that goes. I am looking forward to a good sleep, if possible. Sleeping on Jeff's side of the bed always makes me feel better. But, better than what is the question! 

June 24th: The Hardest Day

June 24th: The Hardest Day

The Hardest Day

Friday, August 28, 2009

Today was the hardest day of my life. On Tuesday, my husband, Jeff, and I loaded a U-Haul and shipped everything we own to 450 miles to Cleveland, Ohio. This, wasn't too bad. We got the place in Cleveland all cleaned, set up, and decorated. The problem was today, the day we decided I would return to our original home in Schenectady, New York. Not because of a fight, a separation, or divorce. You see, we are very much in love. Our second wedding anniversary is approaching, and we couldn't be happier with our lives together. Jeff, was offered a job at Case Western Reserve University. He is aspiring to be a college basketball coach, and this is an assistant coaching position. An offer that is too good to pass up. I am a teacher. I have already signed my contract to teach this coming school year and am up for tenure in June 2010. The job in Cleveland came along too late for me to find a teaching job there, and too close to the school year to resign from my position here. So, we find ourselves 450 miles apart, trying to live our lives together.

Last night, I slept surprisingly well. However, when I woke up, it was like I had been punched in the stomach. Our dog, Shea, snuggled up on the bed, as he does nearly every morning, and I thought for a second that this was a routine morning. Then it hit me, today marks the day we start our separate lives together, if that make sense! Fittingly, I thought, it was raining. I like I think of the rain as a symbol of God crying for us. Shedding tears for us having to be apart.

Saying goodbye was difficult. I had envisioned the day and the scene many times in my head, but it played out much differently than I had imagined. I had so much I wanted to say. I wanted Jeff to know that I love him. I am so afraid he thinks I have chosen my job over our love, when in reality, I am finishing out my job for our future, for our love. The money will be a benefit to us, as well as the experience in finding me a new job. I wanted to sob in his arms for hours on end, although I knew he wouldn't allow that. But, when it came down to it, I wasn't able to get much out other than repeating a choked up, "I love you" a number of times. Jeff reminded me to smile and when telling people of our situation, to talk about it in a positive light, as though this is what is best for us. He said the more I say it, the easier it will make things. I just held on tight, nodded, and tried to hold myself together.

Shea is staying with me. I need my big guy to keep me sane. Jeff adores Shea, and I know it was really difficult for him to say goodbye to the big guy as well. I fear that Shea will not know Jeff the next time he sees him. That probably won't be until Christmas. As I pulled out of the driveway, my beloved husband waved goodbye and gave his signature smile. Such a beautiful smile. I did my best to smile back as my eyes welled up. Then, Jeff put his face against the window. Shea was looking out at him from the back. He kissed Shea goodbye and that image has been in my head all day long. It tears me apart.

The first few hours of my drive back were a blur. With the combination of the rain, my tears, and my hazy sense of direction, it seems like an ancient memory now. I just drove. I kept the radio loud and sang along when I could muster out my weakened voice. As soon as I would notice that my voice was strong and clear, my voice would begin to crack with the realization of what lies ahead: ten months away from my husband.

My arrival back home was bitter sweet. The only sweet part, really, was that I was not driving anymore. I came back to our first place together, empty, quiet, and lonely. Nothing here but a mattress and my dressers. I will take them with me wherever it is I end up living for the next ten months. That, I haven't figured out yet, but I am due out in three days. Yes, three days! I guess I need to get a move on it! I have been putting it off in order to make it not seem real.

I hope you will follow me on my journey to make our love work 450 miles away. I know we will do it, that is not the question. We just know it won't be easy. We believe in the long run, our marriage will be stronger and the future of our careers, family, and life together will be better due to this time apart. June 24th is the last day of classes, my last day of teaching my new 5th grade class. June 24th I will become an Ohian. Is that what people who live in Ohio are called? I don't know, but I will take you along my journey. The goal = June 24th!